Do you make New Year’s resolutions?
30 December 2011
Do you make New Year’s resolutions? Personally I don’t, because I tend to ‘check in’ with myself quite often to refocus on what’s really important to me so I don’t really feel the need to make resolutions once a year… I do, however, use New Year’s to think about changes I want to make in the coming year, which I guess is pretty similar to the people who like to make New Year resolutions.
Some people think resolutions are a waste of time – they’re all broken by the end of January, right? I read an interesting article by the philosopher Alain de Botton recently, written for the School of Life, which made the point that we need to challenge ourselves to be better – and it’s the challenge that’s important, as even a half-successful resolution is better than not even trying!
If you do make New Year’s resolutions, here are a couple of tips:
1. Be specific: Resolving to gossip less at work and be nicer to Aunty Mary will be more effective than just wanting to be nicer.
2. Be realistic: Resolving to lose 1 stone by the end of August is much more achievable than 1 stone in 1 month or 3 stone by the end of August. Your resolution needs to be challenging but achievable.
3. Get help: There will be times when you slip, so get a good friend to help keep you on track – give your credit card to a friend if you want to save money, for example, so you have to ask permission every time you want to use it. And of course, a life coach is the perfect motivator – that’s what we do, help people achieve their goals!
If you’re making New Year’s resolutions or if you just have something in your life you want to sort out in 2012, then life coaching can help… And even better, I’m starting 2012 off with a sale – 50% off your first three sessions. So what’s stopping you? Email me now at carole@caroleraycoaching.com
Tired all the time? Try these easy ways to get more energy
7 December 2011
Winter is our natural hibernation time – and as the nights get longer and the temperatures drop, it’s natural to want to spend more time at home, cuddled up on the sofa, resting, recovering and (often) reassessing. Modern life, however, cares nothing for hibernation. Instead of laying low as we instinctively want to, many of us find ourselves out every night, especially in the crazy Christmas period, with a constant lament: ‘I’m so tired!’
If hiding bear-like all winter isn’t an option, then it’s important to look at how we’re nourishing ourselves – which, for me, breaks down into three vital areas…
Mental energy
- Find your ‘flow’ – Our minds are constantly filled with to-do lists and emails and petty arguments – but to ‘switch off’ we often sit in front of the telly or surf the web, and end up feeling even more drained than we were before. Try and find activities that get you into Mihaly Czikszentmihalyi’s ‘flow’ (watch this great video if you’ve never heard of ‘flow’ before) Gardening, cooking, running, swimming, fixing things – it doesn’t matter what you do, as long as you lose yourself in the moment.
- Breathe! – We live with such a constant level of stress, most of us don’t even notice it – but take a moment to take 10 deep breaths, and you’ll feel immediately how effective breathing is at quietening and re-energising your mind. Breath-based activities like yoga, meditation and tai chi are well known for calming and re-energising, but even singing can help…
Physical energy
- Food is fuel – It’s worth it to take a bit of extra time to buy fresh ingredients and make yourself healthy meals. Comfort food may appeal in the cold, dark evenings, but veggies, protein and slow-release carbohydrates will keep your energy levels stable throughout the day.
- Keep moving – We naturally want to exercise less when it’s dark and cold outside, but even a brisk walk in your lunch break will help – plus exercising in natural light will help keep your serotonin levels up and the winter blues away.
Emotional energy
- Feed your soul – When we’re run down, our emotions can take over and tiny things expand into huge dramas. Instead make sure you’re keeping your emotional resilience strong by getting enough B vitamins (through brown rice and wholegrain oats), vitamin D (egg yolks, oily fish) and magnesium (dark green leafy veggies).
- Give yourself a break – We often have to spend time with people who drain us, who seem to sap our energy as opposed to raising our spirits and re-energising us. Give yourself a break: limit the time you spend with energy vampires, have an excuse ready when they invite you out or have a reason you can only stay an hour – you’ll feel happier about the limited contact, which will make spending time with them easier, and won’t leave you feeling drained and guilty. And if all else fails, breathe!
If you’d like some help in feeling more energised, including a free, no-obligation 15-minute chat to understand how coaching can help you, then email me now at carole@caroleraycoaching.com
Top five tips for job hunting
22 November 2011
I’ve recently started a new job, working for a homeless charity… Although I loved being freelance after my redundancy, work was becoming more scarce, and the stress of wondering how to pay the rent every month meant being freelance simply stopped being fun. Hence time to find a permanent job again…
But what a time to be looking for a job! With unemployment at 8.3%, job hunting was pretty depressing – in total I was only looking for about four months, but my god it felt longer! It’s tough getting up every morning knowing all that awaits you is yet more trawling through the papers and job websites and endlessly chasing agencies. And when you do get an interview, you’re lucky if they even bother to tell you they’ve given the job to someone else – courtesy seems to be a thing of the past in today’s job market!
There are a few things you can do to keep yourself motivated and focused when looking for a job though – my top five tips for job hunting are:
- Be happy! Keep your spirits up by getting out of the house, seeing friends and doing the things you love… Yes, you might not want to spend any money, so go for a walk along the canals or go to a free museum or exhibition – anything to remind yourself there is more to life than job hunting and what can feel like endless rejection! A happy, confident candidate will always be more attractive to an employer than a depressed, desperate one!
- Build relationships with agencies. Employment agencies are deluged with job seekers, so the only way you’re going to stand out is to be a human being – and one they really want to help! Take the time to go in and meet with the agent, and build a relationship with them through regular contact – ask them how they would prefer to be contacted, update them on your availability, and be honest about the kind of work you want so you’re not wasting their time or yours.
- Stick it out. There’s no point applying for any job you see, especially if you aren’t qualified to do it or won’t enjoy it – it’s really depressing applying for jobs you’re unlikely to get and you’ll just be looking to move on in a few months even if you did. If you really need to get some money coming in, find a part-time job to tide you over while you find what you’re really after.
- Make the best impression you can. When you get an interview, prepare for it by researching the company thoroughly – it looks really good when you know about projects or products that may be mentioned in the interview. Have an interview outfit that you feel really good in, and make sure it’s clean and ironed for every interview you go to. And why not leave the interview panel with some written references and some work samples (depending on what you do, of course!) – it will help them to see just how good you are at your job, and will make you stand out from the other candidates.
- See each interview as a stepping stone. Every interview you go to is practise for the one that will get you your dream job – don’t feel down if you don’t get a job, instead think about what went well in the interview and what didn’t, and how you can improve it next time. Ask the company for feedback (although don’t be disappointed if you don’t hear anything, many employers don’t seem to even tell you you haven’t got the job, let alone give interview feedback!) And use each interview to further focus yourself on what it is you really want – which job were you most excited about? Which job were you most disappointed not to get? Those are the jobs you should be applying for more of…
If you’d like some help finding a new job, including a free, no-obligation 15-minute chat to understand how coaching can help you, then email me now at carole@caroleraycoaching.com
Appreciate your achievements
15 September 2011
It’s been a while since I posted, mostly because I’ve been concentrating on working as a freelance writer and editor – when I took redundancy from the children’s charity in June 2010, I gave myself a year to try being freelance, to see how I liked it and whether I could make a living at it. Now that a year has gone by, amazing as it’s been (and occasionally stressful!), I’ve been trying to decide if I’m going to keep plugging away as a freelancer or look for permanent work…
Finding myself caught up in the maelstrom of comparisons that happen when you’re trying to make a big decision (money vs free time, independence vs security), I started to think about all the other things I’ve done with my year… Yes, there’s been work, there’s been money, there’ve been times of no work and no money – but I couldn’t believe all the other things I’d achieved!
I’d said when I left the charity that I wanted to work for a lawyer and a bank, to experience a different world – I haven’t worked for a lawyer yet but the bank has a big tick next to it – goal achieved! I wanted to work at festivals, doing something I loved but often couldn’t fit into my 9 to 5 working life – goal achieved! I’ve worked this summer and last at festivals all around the UK, doing a variety of things from building geodesic domes to manning ball pools to working with a welfare team. In achieving that goal, I even achieved another – I now know how to put up scaffolding! I wanted to go back to NZ for a few months for my great grandmother’s 109th birthday – goal achieved! I even managed to do work for my UK clients while I was there – working holiday goal achieved!
It’s easy to see our decisions as black and white, revolving about sensible options and money and security, and in these recession-filled days, maybe that’s not a bad thing… But there’s more to our lives than work and pensions and payslips – and it’s usually the other goals we have that give our lives richness and meaning, that build our confidence and self-esteem… Working towards your goals, whatever they are, big or small, random (think of my scaffolding aspirations!) or strategic, is crucially important, and should never be lost beneath the murk of day-to-day detail…
We all feel happier and stronger and more confident when we achieve – spending a bit of time thinking about what you’ve done (and therefore what you’d still like to do) might be just what you need to help you leave the maelstrom of comparisons behind when making a big decision. By thinking about the past, you can actually move forward.
If you’d like a free, no-obligation 15-minute chat to see how coaching can help you achieve, then email me now at carole@caroleraycoaching.com
Want to change your job?
4 January 2011
This time of year is classic ‘I need a new job’ time. With people returning from their holidays to face the grey disillusionment of a job and office that hasn’t changed – and seems unlikely to – it’s tempting to fantasise about trying something new.
And changing careers is great! It can be stimulating, exciting, rewarding – especially if you were doing a job that wasn’t really ‘you’ in the first place. Changing careers can also be, however, stressful, financially risky and – maybe worst of all – simply swapping one drudgery for another… A job, after all, no matter how attractive and enjoyable, will never be the same as whatever you’d be doing if you won the lottery and never had to work again!
A recent BBC article ‘Is working with your hands better than just with your head?’ summarises nicely how our fantasies of working with our hands or the country life often don’t live up to reality. Loneliness, accidents and lack of financial security are all factors overlooked in the daydreams. Also missing is the reality of what your day-to-day existence will be – is leaving a job in sales to become a massage therapist, only to then spend all day trying to drum up business really what you dreamed of?
It’s crucial that if you are contemplating changing careers that you think it all through – which is where life coaching is perfect, taking you step-by-step through your options and helping you work towards achieving whatever goal you finally decide on. There are also some great books around to help you understand the reality of changing careers – two I’d recommend are ‘Screw work, let’s play: How to do what you love and get paid for it’ (which offers a wonderfully practical view of portfolio working – having several jobs or ways of earning money, combining passion with paying the bills) and ‘And what do you do? 10 steps to creating a portfolio career’.
The most important thing, though, I believe, is to find meaning in whatever you do. Again, life coaching is a fantastic way of examining the aspects of your job you’re unhappy with, and seeing what you can do about it – maybe changing your career is the perfect option for you; but maybe a few small tweaks in your daily routine or in what you do in your free time will be enough to leave you feeling happier and more inspired – and without all the stress and risk of changing careers!
If you’d like a free, no-obligation 15-minute chat to see how coaching can help you, then email me now at carole@caroleraycoaching.com
Make the choice to be happy
22 October 2010
It’s autumn now, and the dark is encroaching, the cold getting more bitter – and with the seasonal change, people often find their mood follows suit, changing from a happy and optimistic ‘summer’ mood to a darker, pessimistic, sadder ‘winter’ mood. Some call this SAD (Seasonal Affected Disorder), others see it as just not feeling themselves… There are lots of ways to deal with this feeling, from taking St John’s Wort or 5HTP to holidays in the sun and hibernating until the summer comes round again. There’s also what I think is the most important thing – making the choice to be happy.
It’s all too easy to get stuck in negative thinking, in feeling like life is not quite right, that we need to do X or Y to fix it, and then everything will be perfect… But I think we need to change this attitude, we need to make a choice – do you want to be happy?
If you choose to be happy, then you’ll do the things that make you happy; you’ll look after yourself, eat well, get enough sleep; you’ll spend time with the people who make you happy and not the people who bring you down; you’ll make plans and set goals to work towards what you want in life, instead of dwelling on what you think is wrong with your life, feeling stuck and bringing yourself down…
Doing the things you need to be happy sounds pretty easy, but many of us struggle with them… It can be hard to break the habits of a lifetime and do the simple things that make our lives better, that make us happy – so getting some help, be it a coach or a good friend, to encourage and support you and help you see things in a different way, is often just what you need…
We make choices in every moment – if someone is rude to us, we choose whether we react with anger or with compassion; if we feel low energy, we choose whether we eat a bar of chocolate and go to bed or if we look at what drains us and what makes us energised and work with that knowledge… Every day I choose to be happy – what’s your choice?
If you’d like some help in being happier, including a free, no-obligation 15-minute chat to understand how coaching can help you, then email me now at carole@caroleraycoaching.com
Being made redundant
9 August 2010
Life twists and turns – some changes we can prepare for, some we can’t… One recent life twist for me was redundancy, something many people are experiencing in our credit-crunch times. The charity I worked at for the last eight years has moved out of London, something I didn’t want to do – hence I am now officially the one in the one in ten who are unemployed.
My experience of redundancy was, perhaps, a little different from many, as I ‘took’ redundancy rather than being ‘made’ redundant (ie my job still exists, it’s just not in a place I want to be!) but I was surprised at how stressful it still was, despite it being, kind of, my choice. And I was really surprised by how much it knocked my confidence… and how little others seemed to understand what I was going through.
But, of course, I’m a life coach, so I self-administered a strong dose of life coaching medicine. I worked out some short-term and long-term goals, some behaviours that were good for me and some that weren’t, strategies for dealing with both, and created a ‘to-do’ list… By breaking everything down into manageable, practical steps, life seems a hell of a lot less scary!
I’ve given myself some time to enjoy some of my favourite things that working 9 to 5 can sometimes intrude upon, like festivals and films and friends… I’ve got my ‘finding a new job’ to-do list that I go through every day… And I’m looking at the opportunities my situation creates, rather than focusing on the stressful, terrifying negatives – like time to build up my life coaching practice, taking courses at discounted rates for the unemployed, time to volunteer or do favours for friends, time to think, time to walk slowly… I’m even learning to hula hoop!
Whether I get a new job next week, next month or next year, I’m feeling positive and optimistic and confident – because my life coaching skills have helped me work out what I can do and what I have no control over, and how to keep myself happy and positive during a stressful and challenging time of change.
If you’ve been made redundant and would like a free, no-obligation 15-minute chat to understand how coaching can help you, then email me now at carole@caroleraycoaching.com
Is life coaching just a gimmick?
28 April 2010
British people don’t ‘do’ counselling and they don’t talk about their problems, right? So why on earth would they need coaching? Talking to a stranger about your life – well, it’s all just a bit weird, isn’t it?
Coaching is certainly better accepted in the States, where people are a bit more prepared to give things a go before deciding if it’s for them… In the UK, people aren’t quite so prepared to take a risk. I’m from New Zealand and, believe me, we’re exactly the same! There are real benefits for those who are prepared to ‘risk’ a chat about coaching though – which is why I offer a free 15-minute consultation, with absolutely no obligation if you feel it isn’t for you – honest!
A qualified, professional coach will motivate you, focus you and help you move forward in your life… It isn’t counselling (which looks backward, while coaching looks forward) and it isn’t something your best friend or mum can do for you – a coach is objective, with no opinion on what is ‘right’ for you other than what you decide for yourself, and they are trained to know how to help you figure that out.
So if you’ve ever said to yourself ‘I’m not happy at work, I need to change my job’ or ‘I wish I had a bit more confidence’ or ‘I wish I had handled that a bit better’, coaching really will help. So go on, be brave, take the risk – get in touch for a chat and find out yourself how coaching will help you!
If you’d like a no-obligation, free 15-minute chat to understand a bit more about how coaching works and how it can help you, then email me now at carole@caroleraycoaching.com
How to find the man/woman of your dreams
7 April 2010
A question a lot of my clients ask is ‘How do I find the man/woman of my dreams?’ It’s an understandable question – it’s hard finding a happy, healthy relationship in an increasingly disconnected and time-poor world.
Well, there are lots of ways to meet the love of your life… And there is lots of help for you too…
There have been thousands of books written to help you find what and who you want – two I’d recommend are If I’m so wonderful, why am I still single? and The single trap. Any life coach (myself included!) can help you understand what you need from a relationship and how to go about achieving that, but there are also coaches who specialise in relationships specifically – one getting a lot of publicity recently is Matthew Hussey, whose Get the Guy website and seminars help women through the minefield of dating.
And then there are the tried and tested methods to meet people – joining an evening class, asking your friends to introduce you to their other single friends, getting a new hobby… And of course, the truly modern form of dating – internet dating sites. I’m always surprised by the resistance many of my clients still feel towards internet dating, afraid they’ll be judged as sad losers or scammed by married men. The fact is, internet dating has been around a while and it’s here to stay – there’s a whole generation of people out there who simply see it as just another tool to help people connect – there really is no judgement made about it any more… And yes, it may introduce another set of problems (as, in our increasingly fast-paced world, people may not take the time needed to read profiles properly and build up connections) but it really is a great way to meet a much wider group of people and to then filter the ones you might be interested in.
With clients who are resistant to joining an internet dating site, I encourage them to:
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Do some research – just go online and explore a few sites to see what they’re about – once you’re familiar with them, they will be a lot less scary! You’ll see that a huge range of people use them… and who knows, you might even spot someone you like the look of!
Write a yourself profile – but take your time over it – go back to it every couple of days until you feel comfortable with it and have selected a few photos you like – and then think about posting it on a dating site
Be curious – approach internet dating as a way to meet new and interesting people, not necessarily to meet the person of your dreams (or at least not right away!) That way it takes the pressure off if the chemistry isn’t there when you meet for a coffee – at least you’ve met an interesting person and had a nice time, which is never a bad thing!
Of course, as much as you need to get yourself out there, I think one of the best things you can do in your search for true love is to enjoy yourself! Be curious and passionate about life and you’ll not only attract a great relationship, but also attract great friends and have a great life along the way!
If you’d like some help finding a great relationship, or if you’d like to inject some more curiosity and passion into your life, email me now at carole@caroleraycoaching.com for a no-obligation, free 15-minute chat about how I can help you
Call me selfish, but I want to be happy! Life is richer, deeper and much more interesting when I’m happy… But what is it that makes me happy?
A key thing for me is having stimulating, deep conversations with stimulating, deep people – small talk is a fact of life, and I completely accept that, but sometimes it can feel like hell on earth! That might sound extreme to you, but it’s true! Some days I can chatter about the weather with the best of them, but other days I feel like a little piece of my soul is dying. It’s something I’ve come to accept about myself, and to work with – now I try to keep small talk chats limited to saying hi to a neighbour at the corner shop or a colleague in the car park at work, and instead spend longer with friends who similarly enjoy deeper connections and going to events where I know there will be interesting, inspiring people and conversations.
And an interesting study in the journal Psychological Science seems to be showing that my desire for deep conversations really is making me happy – the researcher, Dr Mehl, believes this is because ‘By engaging in meaningful conversations, we manage to impose meaning on an otherwise pretty chaotic world. And interpersonally, as you find this meaning, you bond with your interactive partner, and we know that interpersonal connection and integration is a core fundamental foundation of happiness.’
Explained in more detail in the excellent New York Times Online blog Well, the study poses an interesting question – can we actually make ourselves happier by having deeper conversations and avoiding the chit chat? ‘It’s not that easy, like taking a pill once a day,’ says Dr Mehl. ‘But this has always intrigued me. Can we make people happier by asking them, for the next five days, to have one extra substantive conversation every day?’
Of course, that doesn’t mean you have to terrify the milkman by asking him the meaning of life or asking the postie their opinion of the political situation in Guatemala, but why not push beyond the usual office chit chat or take the time to chat properly to a neighbour rather than simply saying hi…
I’m up for it! Are you?
If you’d like some help figuring out what will make you happier, email me now at carole@caroleraycoaching.com for a no-obligation, free 15-minute chat about how I can help you
